meltdown

I'm not even sure it's a melt-down. More like a zit that popped and now cleaning up the mess. I know. Gross. It's my life at this moment.

I'm not even sure I can go into details at this moment, but lets just say that I came within hours of leaving my husband yesterday. With the scare of other things that was going on before yesterday, a little stunt he pulled off just pushed me to the edge.

But I'm not even going to rehash here. It's embarrasing, it's degrading, it still pisses me off and it was yesterday. Today is now, tomorrow is the future. The only thing I can say over the whole incident was that once again I have found a strong hold and used it and had to show a part of my inner spirit I'm not used to - to shine through.

I worked for my contract job on Thursday and they gave me a highlight - they are hoping to hire me full time / part time or vice versa. I work full time, but I don't get full time benefits. Make sense? I get put on the payroll, but I don't medical / vacation benefits. I don't care, I just want a regular working job with regular working hours with a decent pay for about 6 to 9 months. Then I can re-access my pink life and go from there.

I know I said I quit the j.o.b. world, but those haunting words of "you leave the job force when you are making the same amount in the pink world". Point said. No ands, if's or but's. And I'm not ready for that yet, nor is B, nor is our life style. So it saddens me that I won't get 24/7 inspiration from 7 directors and learn the pink world first hand, but it has still put me at a level that I'm willing to work harder and get that next goal.

So to those who literally flooded my email with warm notes - thank you. To Julie and Jennifer who offered their kind words and assistant of friendship, I adore you. Thanks a million.

I'm back, and I'll try to stop putting on my rose tinted glasses and get warm and fuzzy all over about life. I have noticed that I will fall into a pattern when things are going great and something will yank it and remind me that we are still a struggling family trying to make it. I can say this - I gave B a deadline that he has to get his act into shape, we have to get our act into shape and if wants to do something with his life, he better get done now. I know what I want to for the next 30 years till retirement or so, he needs to find his passion and set his mind on his goal or he's going to be complaining the rest of his life of the have nots he missed.

I promise not to get weirded out again. Taking a few days off is my mental get away.