family feud
I was reading Robyn's entry about letting family read her journal last night. I haven't told B that I'm personally journaling / blogging, but he is aware that I'm reading the journals and I'm addicted. He found me reading her entry last night, and thank goodness to Robyn, she has the skin "word" - so he was wondering what legal mumbo jumbo I was reading.
I simply replied "a journal"
He said "oh, you mean a blog"
I sat for a few seconds quiet. Wondering how to tread on this subject. Has he seen my bookmarks that say "bloggers"? Had he done a search on something that googled my journal? That's why I don't give his name out in my journal. He has a very uncommon name and when he was working for the computer company, he was spending 8 hours of complete surfing - he likes to find his name in stuff... what were his odds of finding my journal? So I asked and he said he read about it at CNN.com. "Oh - that's neat". But his next statement pretty much let the cat out of the bag - "why, scared I found all your stuff?" I laughed. A long laugh. A scared laugh.
Is it such a bad thing for him to read my journal? No. Just the parts of the anger I feel for his mother. He knows I'm not crazy about her, just as I know he's not crazy about mine. But that's where the line draws. How "not crazy" is he about my mom? I don't know. Does he despise my her? Hate her to the core? Tolerates her? Same way with his mother. He will never know the full anger I have towards her and would love to just never ever see her again. evah. Yeah I know. Pretty hard anger. evah.
Do I want him to know that Tuesday was a very hard day at work for me and I cried? Not really. But on the other hand - do I want him to know that with him working with the county, doing what he loves best, I'm feeling better? No migrane headaches in the past 2 days. With him sleeping at night with me, in the past 2 days, I'm sleeping better? Yes. That I love him more then ever with what we have been through this year? Yes. That he has cramped my "blogging" and reading journals late at night because he's at home, but I'm ok with that? It's hard to bare the soul, and wonder if it's the right thing or not. Then question - why do I tell all to strangers (who I consider new friends daily) - but not to him? I don't know - seems simpler that way. For now - I'll just keep going, doing my thing. Hiding my journal. :)
I was reading Robyn's entry about letting family read her journal last night. I haven't told B that I'm personally journaling / blogging, but he is aware that I'm reading the journals and I'm addicted. He found me reading her entry last night, and thank goodness to Robyn, she has the skin "word" - so he was wondering what legal mumbo jumbo I was reading.
I simply replied "a journal"
He said "oh, you mean a blog"
I sat for a few seconds quiet. Wondering how to tread on this subject. Has he seen my bookmarks that say "bloggers"? Had he done a search on something that googled my journal? That's why I don't give his name out in my journal. He has a very uncommon name and when he was working for the computer company, he was spending 8 hours of complete surfing - he likes to find his name in stuff... what were his odds of finding my journal? So I asked and he said he read about it at CNN.com. "Oh - that's neat". But his next statement pretty much let the cat out of the bag - "why, scared I found all your stuff?" I laughed. A long laugh. A scared laugh.
Is it such a bad thing for him to read my journal? No. Just the parts of the anger I feel for his mother. He knows I'm not crazy about her, just as I know he's not crazy about mine. But that's where the line draws. How "not crazy" is he about my mom? I don't know. Does he despise my her? Hate her to the core? Tolerates her? Same way with his mother. He will never know the full anger I have towards her and would love to just never ever see her again. evah. Yeah I know. Pretty hard anger. evah.
Do I want him to know that Tuesday was a very hard day at work for me and I cried? Not really. But on the other hand - do I want him to know that with him working with the county, doing what he loves best, I'm feeling better? No migrane headaches in the past 2 days. With him sleeping at night with me, in the past 2 days, I'm sleeping better? Yes. That I love him more then ever with what we have been through this year? Yes. That he has cramped my "blogging" and reading journals late at night because he's at home, but I'm ok with that? It's hard to bare the soul, and wonder if it's the right thing or not. Then question - why do I tell all to strangers (who I consider new friends daily) - but not to him? I don't know - seems simpler that way. For now - I'll just keep going, doing my thing. Hiding my journal. :)
posted by colagrl @ Thursday, December 19, 2002
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