relaxing

I have gone back to taking my Fridays off from my sucky job and today was a quiet day. Sent the kids off to school, came home to watch the Florida thing on the news unfold and when "B" came home from his midnight shift, we sat and caught up on each other's lifes. Amazing, we have been married 11 years and right now we are living like room-mates. At noon when sleep just got the best of him, I took a small nap with him, not often can I say that I slept with my husband, on a Friday, in the afternoon and we cuddled. A major first in a few months.

Last night I did ok with the Girl Scouts. I facialed 8 girls, have one mom interested in more information and the scout leader who is my customer who had placed an order, called me early this morning to talk about doing MK and placing another order with me. We talked about her fears and she wanted more information. I think she would be great at this. She is an active mom who believes in Family First.. so we shall see.

Julie called me today. She told me great news. She's not moving when her company does at the end of the year. I am so happy for her. I know this has been a hard thing for her. Take the job and move and make new friends, new customers, a new life style or stay here and get her MK career going or find another job. My goal is not only to get myself in a better spot in my biz, but to help her too.

I guess it wasn't all that relaxed today. I did call my National today, and I was so reliefed when her answering machine picked up. But I loved her message.. "Hello you precious thing. How are you today?.... " I felt so touched by it. I'm on the emotional side today so what the heck. Left her a message and now I dread when the phone rings.

Stephanie also called me last night. When we close down our Wed. night's, about 3 to 5 of us end up in the parking lot talking for another 10 minutes before heading home. Right now, since I did not quaifiy for the Retreat in Oct. I didn't feel it was fitting that I hang out to hear what the plans to wear and all that stuff. I left everyone talking and headed home. Stephanie called me and asked if I was ok because she didn't get her hug good-bye. She sounded so like "J". "Where's my hug?". I was fine, just wanted to get home. But it made me feel touched that she felt terrible she didn't say her regular good-byes to me.

Another busy day tomorrow is going on. I can't believe I'm resorting to the enemy and I'm going to an Avon thing. It's really "Southern Living at Home" that I'm going to, but it's a spin off from Avon and it's a friend of mine who does Avon and needs some support. I'm going for the support and to see what all the goodies are about. If it doesn't have make-up, I'm interested.

My sister got off to Italy with a bumpy start. Can't say too much about it. She lost her passport, or thinks she sent it home early in one of the boxes and did not find out till 3 hours before the flight. That's not her. She checks and rechecks often to make she has the important stuff, but it's not the first time she has lost something important. We are still looking for her drivers license that she lost in the house 5 years ago. She did get on the flight, there was some paper work she filled out before flying here that was a temp passport so she was able to use that to get back to Italy. But how scary to find out hours before your flight you could get delayed.. by 3 to 4 months waiting on a passport.

I signed up for the Ornament Exchange that should be fun. Another new list of blogs/journals to look at, and I thought this journal, from "Kat" was interesting. She posted her horoscope, but she posted both Gemini and Cancer. Which normally means she's on the cusp. June 20th, 21st or 22nd. Depending what calendar you look at. I'm a cusp too. June 21st. I lean to the Gemini side but I read both. I don't follow it strongly, but when I need a giggle I do read it from to time. I thought what she got from the paper was pretty wild and fit me to a T.

All in all. Quiet day. Rained some more and we need it. Bring on the rain.

1. What was/is your favorite subject in school? Why? There was a few. Basic stuff.. English. Both my Sophomore and Senior year. Mr. Burright and Mr. Suvall were some pretty rad dudes that got me to think and write. Both of them ended up in scandalous affairs. How ironic. For fun elective classes, Drama and Speech were favorites.

2. Who was your favorite teacher? Why? Had a few of those too, but I think Mrs. Boderker, not sure if I spelled that right, my 3rd grade teacher in Texas was amazing. An old lady who on sunny days used an umbrella on the playground. She was the one that noticed I wrote with both hands and that my penmanship was better with my left. She took a lot of time and effort to work with me to stop using my right hand, and that was not easy. Mrs. Salazer, who never was a teacher of mine, but she knew a friend of mine and saw a lot of potential in me and helped me achieve some pretty high goals my Sophomore / Junior year. She is one of two teachers I still visit after (insert too many years) that I still visit when I come home. Ms. B. I can't explain her. I never had her for a teacher, she is a big person. A "Pat" from SNL if you must think. Not the prettiest person in a dress, but a woman with the biggest heart you will ever meet. She became a close friend of my mother's at church and I realized with her.. you should NEVER judge a book by it's cover. Mrs. Noe. Another great teacher who helped me learn about my family tree and made learning about my home town fun. She knew all the dirty secrets about the rich and wealthy and put those kids on the spot at school.

3. What is your favorite memory of school? Finding out I made the J.V. Cheerleading team. I had been told minutes before that I was just a patsy and wasn't expected to win and that it was such a brave thing for me to do and try out. She didn't make the team, I did. Charlie J - old boyfriend. One day, in band class, (American Pie) - Charlie and another guy started ranting about how theirs was bigger.. this yelling match insued of whom had the bigger one.. they started to undo their pants and pulled off their belts and exclaimed.. that Charlie's was bigger. In the Senior newspaper there is the "Voted Most likely to...." and because I was not popular, I was suprised to see my name.. "Biggest Dreamer". I was a cheerleader, and with another squad member, we would get drunk on warm straight Jack Daniels before a basketball game and cheer for the other team too.

4. What was your favorite recess game? I hated recess.

5. What did you hate most about school? That I was picked on a lot. I have a lot of anger and bad feelings about how I was treated that even when I lived at home as an adult, I still felt those same taunting children, taunting me as an adult. I realized I had the better life, I wasn't stuck in that one red light town, they were, and I grew up, but it still hurts and I'm still not sure if I'll attend any of my reunions. Already missed the 1st one. I guess since I'm on the rant. My Guidance Counsleor - (she was not the picture you saw when you looked that word up in the dictionary. I don't think she even understood the word Guidance). She told me in my Senior Year, when I was preparing to submit to schools, that I should consider the service and find a good man and marry. "I wasn't college material". The horror to it all, my dad agreed. When I did go into the service, I turned down the GI Bill when they offered it to me because "I wasn't college material" and thought it would be a waste. The outcome? I did go to school, I was on the Honor's Roll, earned 5 scholarships, held a 3.94 grade average, while I was a full time mom of two babies 2 and 3, worked full time and went to school full time. What she should have said.. not college material - now -.

Thursday

Yeah!!!! It's Thursday. Yes, I know it's the afternoon, but it hit me. I'm back to taking Friday's off with the sucky place so I'm on the start to my weekend off! :) And for once, I'm going to do some serious MK related stuff.

Tonight I'm going to do a facial on 12 Girl Scouts and their 12 moms. For me, that might mean future customers, it might mean nothing, but in rewards - next week, that will put me at 1 class for a future challenge I have to finish, once again I accomplish my "Perfect Start" by doing 15 faces in 15 days (more like in one night) but I'm thinking of extending the challenge and doing my "Power Start" which is 30 faces in 30 days. Since I'll be at 24, I'll call a few customers up and get some referrals and finish up the other 6 by going else where. How COOL!

Then I'm going to call my National and talk to her about her future website. I have my Director's site working, with minor changes, but I'm getting great feedback so I'm ready to take on another site. I have her number sitting in front of me, but I'm nervous to call her. How do you talk business to a 3 time millioniare National?

I'm ready to get my Christmas Open House going. Ordering for baskets early and stuff. I'm not sure if I'm going to put some here on the site, but if you are looking for some different ideas (and no.. not just lipsticks) for someone this Christmas, drop me a line with my email, tag or comment section and I'll become your personal shopper for you.

I got off the phone with my friend Julie and we are going to hit a few high schools and do Homecoming Make-Overs, and maybe get a few customers that way. So I'm ready to kick my career back into high gear. Watch for my afterburners.. they are pink and ready to go.

normal?

I went back to the normal lay-out, but have kept the gray look. Might use it again when looking for a new look, or the Directors suit is in gray one year. Right now the Director's suit is a plum purple and my journal is a daily reminder that I want that purple suit.

Today was not a bad day. It did help that I did not stay long at work, and of all days, my boss came back. I figured that one more day of early take off was in order, save him some money and left for lunch and never came back. Good thing I did. I had stayed up till 2am working on the gray look, I was tired this afternoon.

I went to lunch with a friend from my old job, and we went to a park close by our jobs. We didn't talk touch much about what today was or what we were doing last year. She's pregnant, so we talked mainly about that and the contract job I finished.

I came home, B was sleeping and I left him there. I curled up on the couch, turned on the tv, found some news stuff I could handle and promptly fell asleep for 2 hours.

Went to my MK evening and I don't know what it is with me lately, but I seem to want to find excuses not to go an hour or 2 before I leave. I never follow through, and I go and I'm glad I went afterwards, but I don't understand the excuses I make myself lately. The neat thing tonight was seeing 3 Grand AM's in the parking lot. Another lady got her free car and so we are up to 3 Grand AM's and a Jimmy in the parking lot. My Director said that if we make production goals this month, she has the Cadaillac. A first for her. She's taking the cash option though, with twin boys and a baby on the way, a pink Cadaillac isn't all the practical. She wants to keep her MK Jimmy, but they have been phased out so she has to turn that back in when she wraps up the car deal.

Tonight we talked about one of Mary Kay's favorite sayings - treat your customers as if they had a sign around their neck that said "no one else is important but me". Stephanie has taken those words and made me feel that way. It seems like weekly she is always saying something nice about me and after 2 years I have yet to handle her compliments. I just hope that in years to come I can treat others the same way.

Off topic: In memory of September 11th - a prayer of sorts. No matter what your religion or beliefs, though, this is a sentiment we can all share...

Instrument of Your Peace.

Onesome. Instrument. What is your favorite instrument to play or listen to? Have a penchant for the guitar? What about the piano? Tell us about your passion... I played the flute in school, but I love the piano. I love cellos and anything that has an orchestra in it.

Twosome. of your. Time of your life? A moment? An age? An event? Tell us about it! That song - the time of your life comes to mind. I would say when I was 22. The year I got my act together realized I didn't need a man in my life all the time and enjoyed it for myself. Had my own apartment, didn't need a roommate and life was doing great. Went out with friends who were not imposing a bad influence on me and was living life to it's fullest.

Threesome. Peace. Though we may wish for Peace on Earth, what gives you inner peace? My Mary Kay career. Reminding myself daily that Faith, Family, Career - in that order is what brings me peace. Knowing that in a year's time that I plan to be in a much different place then where I am now, is inner peace to me. The self-esteem I build daily from the love and support I get from my family, friends and customers give me inner peace.

How about you? Post your answers in your own space and leave a comment here so we can find you!

we will remember, we will never forget

remembering

Oh no, it's another journal bringing up 9-11-01. What are your plans for the day? I want to stay away from my sucky office as much as possible. I have a luncheon planned with an ex-worker at "Q", where I used to work with tomorrow. I thought for some reason I need to be with the people I was with last year on the day of remembering. But I think what is getting me right now is the leading up to the day effect. Already the news is covering so much of last year, and to me, it's like slow motion. Prepping us for that moment. Getting ready for the memories to come flashing through. It's something I do almost every year. Remembering what I did those days, hours, minutes for the moment of impact. The after-math of the event and how I have survived.

I consider my dad's death the same way. I thank God that my dad didn't die in a way that his past is brought up on the news every year. In my head, it's headline news, but to be a part of something like 9-11, the Columbine killings or the Oklahoma bombing, I'm grateful I live in my own little hell in April every year. I can't remember what I was doing 9-10-01. Seems like our memories of the day before or the hours up to that moment are just washed away. When my dad died on a Sunday, for the life of me, I cannot remember the Saturday or the hours leading up to his death. I remember talking to him on Friday. He had sent me some software books and I was learning some cool stuff and I wanted to show him some of the things I could do with the books. I was his long-distance graphic designer. I talked to him daily be it work or family related stuff. I was a stay at home mom with 2 babies, 2 and 1. Had a husband in the service that was out at sea more then he was at home. No difference today.. he still works a late night shift; I still have no husband at night.

Dad didn't sound funny when I talked to him. He was in one of his depressions again and sometimes they would last 1 month, others up to 9 months. I knew to do everything right as well as I could and keep all conversations with him light and airy. Don't bring him down more. He talked to "J" all the time on the phone she was his world. "D" was just a babe still and wouldn't listen to the phone, where with "J" it was a cool thing to do at 2, talking to grandpa. But I don't remember if he talked to her that day. I know he asked about her and we were talking about the Oklahoma bombing. It was their year anniversary and it was on TV. I said I would do some of the text effects in a letter from the books he sent and send it on Monday and we hung up. That would be the last day I ever talked to him again.

I have tried so hard to recall that Sat. and Sun. but can't. We didn't have a lot of money, so we didn't go anywhere. It must have been a quiet weekend. What I do remember - that on Sunday, "B" was talking to his mom and they had been talking for about an hour and it was late at night. Their call was cut off quickly because if I remember right, her cordless phone died and the call was cut off. Seconds later, the phone rings again and it's my sister. Have I talked to dad? No. Not since Friday. Why? He's missing. Missing? Since when? This afternoon. Once again, I don't recall much of the call. I just remember my sister saying she was catching the next flight out in the morning and then we would go from there.

I think because I was so far away, in Virginia, I feel that I was out of the loop on some things. My sister was there from the beginning and I'm not mad at her for it, she was the levelheaded one, better for her to be there anyway. I know that mom had friends come stay with her the night. No one wanted to admit that he might be dead, so we didn't call the police. Or did we? I know that one night at 2:00am in the morning, I called the local police there to see if they heard anything. I happened to get an old school chum on the phone and she tried to handle the situation correctly but at the same time it was like "lets catch up on old times". I know we didn't say much about his disappearance because we felt that if had gone off to do something "stupid" and re-thought it out, we were giving him a chance to not look like a fool and we could all pretend this never happened, and seek treatment for him. He was already under treatment but it seems he might need a heavier aggressive treatment. I don't remember Monday. I do remember a friend of mine who I had told what was going on, coming over and feeding the kids lunch because food was the last thing on my mind. I cried a lot too. It was also the last day I watched "All My Children". A big fan for almost 10 years and when Erica, my idol came on TV and said "problems? You don't know the problems I have" I looked at her and said the same thing to her and turned the TV off. I have never watched AMC again. Have watched from time to time mini-seconds of it and still keep the Erica-Kane chat name at yahoo.. but I can't sit down to watch the show.

I remember late night calls with my mother and sister. Preparing for the worst, hoping for the best. I told them, 'go to McGaffey he's there'. I know it. I feel it. They wouldn't go. Words like suicide was coming to mind. He had told mom that he had wanted to do for a long time, but that was years ago. I hated how his depression grabbed him and made him think there was no hope. By Tuesday morning, a plan of me flying out with the kids for Wednesday was getting in order. We were at a point we had to plan on the worst and things had to be decided and I needed to be home. They went to the police and found a good friend they knew personally and explained the situation. Up till then, it still was secretive. Some of the police were aware of his being gone but they said that if they found him shacked up with a woman, there was nothing they could do. Mid-life crisis does that to a man.

They also went to the newspaper to have a story written up on him and hope that he can be found. With the buddy police officer, a detective if I remember.. dad's license plate and truck had to be turned in. It was a new truck, not 8 weeks old so mom, not knowing this stuff, had to go to the dealership and get the information. Once again, sometime it pays off to live in a small town. Sometimes it doesn't. The guy who sold dad his truck asked why and mom had to explain what was going on. How this part evolved, I'm not sure.. but some of the guys in the dealership heard what was going on and said they had seen dad's truck up at McGaffey over the weekend. The detective was told and they went on their search. Back at the newspaper, mom is now giving a description of dad to the reporter, the owner of the newspaper who thought my father was a son to him, and he hired a private pilot to search the area in McGaffey.

To describe McGaffey - it's a national park. Huge, about a 30-minute drive from home and it has a lot of dirt roads that go off into wilderness. Since I was a baby I have gone to McGaffey every year with my family, sometimes 3 or 5 visits a summer. There is a pond, which used to be a lake there. Never went fishing, but there was always someone fishing there. We never went to the same place to picnic, there were so many neat spots about the place. But in the same token, it was an easy place to get lost if you wanted to. Around 7:00pm at the newspaper, and I'm still out in Virginia at this time, packing. There was a call or something. They told mom and my sister to go back to dad's office and the detectives would meet them there. My sister called me from the office and told me to prepare myself and would call me in seconds. I remember sitting out in the back yard, scared of what I was going to hear. I must have known.. but I guess just hearing the final words, I wasn't so sure yet.

I got the call that so changed my life, I could hear my mother crying and my sister could barely get the words out. He's gone. I don't remember crying. I remember not sleeping, trying to think what his last thoughts were, his last actions, his last image in his eyes. Then the anger would come. Why did you leave? Leave 2 precious grandchildren you loved the world over and loved you back? Leave a wife of 30 years? Leave 2 daughters who loved you more then you would ever know? Why? It was almost a month later, when we saw one of the doctors that we found out what was the moment that made his life turn. A doctor had pinpointed that he suffered from 3 types of depression and as he rolled out of one, he went into the other. He would forever be on medication and there would be very little outcome of the depression. It was just too much for him to handle.

And so with that week so etched into my mind. Like last year, the year before and the year before that.. I try to remember.. what was I doing that day before he left? Why didn't I feel something that moment he left this earth? Did the wives, mothers, fathers, children feel their loved ones leave the moment it happened last year? Do they try to remember the moments before? After?

My mother and sister say I was able to cope with his death much better in a way they were not (is there a right way or a wrong way to cope?)... 9 weeks earlier, I had gone out to visit mom and dad. I was home for 6 weeks and spent some time with them. During that trip, one Sunday, mom and I went to church. "J" was getting ready to have surgery on her teeth the next day so emotions were high. During the service, and I don't talk about this often because I think it borders the weird side.. I was standing and singing a song with my mom. This is the church I was raised in, my children were baptized in, and I know it inside out. It was a regular Sunday so there wasn't a lot of decoration on the alter. But within seconds, my eyes blurred up and when I looked away to clear my eyes, I looked back and there were flowers, tons of flowers. Baskets of all types, colors of all types. I remember closing my eyes and opening them and there was a brown box in the front. Then as if in a dream, the whole church congregation was gone and all I could see was my mother's friends. All the ladies who my mother knew well at the front of the church. I tried to make sense of it and couldn't. I looked at my mom because by this time I was crying. She smiled at me and saw me crying and she held me and said everything would be all right. She assumed I was crying over the surgery and was nervous. My only thought was, I'm going to lose you soon. Since then, I haven't had visions. I don't remember when I told my mother and sister about what happened, I just know I can't tell my sister about dreams I have, she gets scared. This wasn't a dream. I wasn't sleeping. When I flew back to Virginia, I hugged my mother so tight and now I wish I could remember if I had hugged my father as well. Mom and sis say that I was prepared for the death, but wasn't ready to find out it was dad. But sure enough, at the service, flowers. Tons of flowers in colors and there was all my mother's friends supporting her.

It has been 6 years since he died. The first 3 years were the hardest. I thought I wouldn't make it the first year without hearing his voice once a day. But as it comes to major events in our lives, like tomorrow.. I try to remember. Try to remember what I was doing the day before. The day of. The day after. Like so many people in the years to come, I will try to remember his voice; it's so far away now. His face, it's so soft and fuzzy now. His laughter. His kindness. His suffering and remember that it wasn't a selfish act that he left but a cry for help that he had to go.

quiet

Out of an office of 11 people.. 4 are at Lake Powell getting trashed (Prez, VP, VP II, and top sales agent), 1 works part time, so I don't know why I counted him in the math, and 4 are sick, 3 of them are at home. It leaves 3 of us here and it earthly quiet for a Monday morning. I guess add one more positive.. not having to face the boss today. I'm really starting to hate this job and need to find something else before he fires me first. That's been the goal since I started this job back in January. I leave first, not the other way around.

~*~ A great weekend up in the Rockies.
~*~ The time I spent with D at Wendy's.
~*~ Julie time on the phone.
~*~ Have 2 future orders, 2 past order and 1 facial class coming up this week.
~*~ Even with the stress of money, I feel ok.
~*~ The job market is starting to open again.

cleaning

I'm still wading through my emails in my "to do" folder. I'm up to 200 unread emails. Mainly MK ideas, tips and files. But my MK folder has about 200 more emails of tips, ideas and files.

I found this link - Am I Hot or Not?. Be warned, it's not me, but someone close to me. For those who know me dearly, don't laugh.. it's about the best picture I'll ever get of him. He did this himself back when he was laid off. Not bad looking for a guy who was stressed out all the time. These days he just looks so tired. Working 2 jobs, and both of them working 12 hour shifts at a time. I think he would fall over if someone offered him an 8 hour shift job.