meltdown

I'm not even sure it's a melt-down. More like a zit that popped and now cleaning up the mess. I know. Gross. It's my life at this moment.

I'm not even sure I can go into details at this moment, but lets just say that I came within hours of leaving my husband yesterday. With the scare of other things that was going on before yesterday, a little stunt he pulled off just pushed me to the edge.

But I'm not even going to rehash here. It's embarrasing, it's degrading, it still pisses me off and it was yesterday. Today is now, tomorrow is the future. The only thing I can say over the whole incident was that once again I have found a strong hold and used it and had to show a part of my inner spirit I'm not used to - to shine through.

I worked for my contract job on Thursday and they gave me a highlight - they are hoping to hire me full time / part time or vice versa. I work full time, but I don't get full time benefits. Make sense? I get put on the payroll, but I don't medical / vacation benefits. I don't care, I just want a regular working job with regular working hours with a decent pay for about 6 to 9 months. Then I can re-access my pink life and go from there.

I know I said I quit the j.o.b. world, but those haunting words of "you leave the job force when you are making the same amount in the pink world". Point said. No ands, if's or but's. And I'm not ready for that yet, nor is B, nor is our life style. So it saddens me that I won't get 24/7 inspiration from 7 directors and learn the pink world first hand, but it has still put me at a level that I'm willing to work harder and get that next goal.

So to those who literally flooded my email with warm notes - thank you. To Julie and Jennifer who offered their kind words and assistant of friendship, I adore you. Thanks a million.

I'm back, and I'll try to stop putting on my rose tinted glasses and get warm and fuzzy all over about life. I have noticed that I will fall into a pattern when things are going great and something will yank it and remind me that we are still a struggling family trying to make it. I can say this - I gave B a deadline that he has to get his act into shape, we have to get our act into shape and if wants to do something with his life, he better get done now. I know what I want to for the next 30 years till retirement or so, he needs to find his passion and set his mind on his goal or he's going to be complaining the rest of his life of the have nots he missed.

I promise not to get weirded out again. Taking a few days off is my mental get away.

Sometimes we need a little help from Upper Management.

I'm in the middle of a melt-down.

This full story here was seen on Going Bridal's site. It seemed fitting.

Say you have a problem, something that is driving you crazy, something you need and want an answer to. Maybe the problem is romantic in nature, or has to do with your career. Maybe a decision needs to be reached that involves one of your kids, or your spouse, or an aged parent or pet. You feel like you really need to go left or right but you have no idea which way to turn. Maybe you feel just a little scared, maybe profoundly anxious; maybe you've even developed facial tics and early-stage Tourette's.

If you're at all like me, you're torn between really wanting to know what God's will is for you, and just desperately wanting this one thing to happen, this one thing to turn out this one particular way. And you keep feeling this, even though you remember the amazing scene at the end of "The Mission," where the warrior, played by Robert DeNiro, comes to see the priest, Jeremy Irons, to seek his blessing in the battle ahead, and the priest says, "If what you are about to do is God's will, then you don't need my blessing. And if it's not, then my blessing isn't going to help."

You remember that and still: You frantically want the guy to call; you want the project to be a huge success; you want the authorities to let your brother off the hook. Whatever. A small part of you, a crescent moon-shaped part of you, wants to be in alignment with God's will, because you have reason to believe that you are fucked unto the Lord if you somehow get your own will to prevail. But a louder part of you secretly believes that you alone know what the best possible outcome would be, for all parties concerned, even with a lifetime of evidence to the contrary. And you are prepared to use the sheer force of your personality and character to get it to happen.

It's a terrible feeling, isn't it — the self-will run riot? Here you long to inwardly resemble the Dalai Lama humming to himself, or Therese of Liseux at dawn Christmas morning in prayer. And instead, on the inside, you're feeling like Roy Cohn with the flu and bad coffee nerves. Or a dog with a chew toy. A crazy little dog.

A crazy, bad little dog with issues: That's where the self-will takes me. First there's all this terrible Jurassic roaring and posturing, the wrestling to the ground, the snapping and gnawing, the growling. And then there's an unearthly quiet, the isometric moment of silence just before the electrical storm. And then suddenly the toy is flung, tossed up and over the body, and great excitement pours forth like lava as the toy is searched for and captured again; and then dominated, chewed, ripped at, drooled over.

But eventually I am too tired to continue and my head has become too uninhabitable, and I realize I've been driving this rickety temperamental old bus of my mind around for too long. I've lost all sense of direction and am feeling confused and pissed off and bitter and resentful and nuts; but then finally, finally just tired. I begin to worry that I have had or am having a complete nervous breakdown, and that I am about to start weeping or barking and won't be able to stop. Sometimes I still look more or less okay on the outside — except for the tics, which can actually be pretty unsightly — but inside I'm feeling a little bit more like Ted Kaczynski than I like to. And I realize I'm just crazier than a shithouse rat; and that it's all hopeless. And that the sun is burning out.

I will be closing up my journal for a bit. Life dealt me a blow that I can't recover from at this time.

blech

My page looks like Valentines Day exploded on it.

But as Bztera said.. "ch ch ch ch changes"... today I went to work for the Director who has pretty much told me that she can't stand my Director or my web work and I worked a full day for her. She is great to get a long with and while doing office stuff with her, I heard her talk to her team, give inspiration, ideas and she made me feel good about myself too. She gave me a belated birthday present of having my glamor shots done, (with pink brand of make-up of course) and she has been the greatest in my moral being. One thing I have learned in this Director world... listen to what I want, ignore the rest, each person is different and I'm now learning all the different types of people out there in the world.

She has decided to have me do her website because her local host, the exact same company that does sites for the pink world that I'm not crazy about has crashed for the past 3 days. So now I'm on my 4th Director website... (annoucer voice "And that's Not all...tell them...") yep - my contractor job called and wants me to start tomorrow, working 30/40 hours a week for the next month, with more hours, jobs, projects down the road. So now I have to tell all the Directors that this isn't going to work and I have to quit. I don't want to leave them in a lurch, but I can't do both - a full time job, an office assistant and a web developer on the side. I know they will be upset because I promised them I would stay till the end and hang out with them till they reached the next level, but right now I have to consider my family and the cost of our living. I have to look at that working for this company for 1 month will put my family back on the up and up for at least 2 months, so keep adding new months and see where that could put us. I know.. it also means that next month she may not need me and I'm jobless again and no Director will risk me then. I don't blame them. But I know I have to think of the kids. I have to think of our family and not what the Directors want. I know they want me to walk away from corporate work, and I do too.. but I hear the voice of my Director in my head and it says "Never leave your job till you are making that same amount in the pink world". I haven't even been able to make in the pink world what I make part time, let alone full time. So that's where I stand. I now have to once again step out of my comfort zone and tell someone I have to quit. I have always been laid off, never had a chance to quit. Here is my chance to do it, and I don't want to do it. I never knew it wouldn't be an uneasy one.

{huge sigh}

Anyone want to order gift baskets for the Holiday Season?

IMAGINE

My 1st day with Ms. K. A great Director, a little on the airy side, but I think we will get along great. I don't think she will be pushy and guilt triping like Ms. C will. Have yet to hear from Ms. S (yes.. all Directors in the pink world get the 'Ms.' treatment because they have earned this respect. I'm just not going to name names, this is truley a small pink world.)

Ms. K's home was just a living dream. Huge, gigantic and just down right gorgeous. The ideal home for me, on the rich side, twist my arm to enjoy it.. please. Made me feel a little out of place and doubtful about myself, but days end and at Ms. C's Tuesday event night, I was back on top saying "this is why I'm doing this - to watch and learn". I even plan on taking a lunch break with Ms. C tomorrow and go home and make some calls to customers. She only lives a 5 minute drive from the house.

The exciting time (and I thrill easy) - was attending Ms. C's meeting tonight and meeting her team. I had to check everyone in and introduce myself. One lady looked at me and said she knew me but was sure I didn't remember her. She did look familar and I tried to place her. She started to describe where we had met and realized that we were once next door neighbors and her son played with my tykes. She had been a pink person once before and was thinking of going back in, and she would read my monthly magazines when they came in. We moved (when times were good) to a bigger place, she moved to a different place, and we lost touch. But we thought of each other often. Found out we are just blocks from each other and so we are tickled with the idea of the kids playing together once again.

Tomorrow I work for Ms. C and I hope that Thurs. I will have another Director lined up. We are going to go down faster then the Titanic if I don't bring some money in soon. So with that comment - with my "20 Words That Can Change Your Life" - I'm going to Imagine.

Your imagination has no bound-aries. As children we pretend, but as we grow up we gradually lose our appreciation for daydreaming. “Every so often, I let my imagination run wild,” says Vicki Inman of West Point, New York. “By thinking about a fantasy vacation or new career, I visualize what I can accomplish. I think that dreaming about something is the first step toward achieving it.”

I imagine a moment in my life when money is not an issue. When time is on my side. When car's that need repair, shoes need to be replaced, small, care-free spending can lead to joy and not guilt. I imagine a home of my own, where I can paint the walls, wallpaper the walls (it could happen), rake the leaves when I want to and call it my home. I imagine my children in after school activities. I imagine my husband, working 1 job, the hours that he wants, the days he wants at a pay he wants - not because he has to. I imagine a thinner body, happy, slimmer, able to shop for nice clothes. I imagine driving the famous pink cadillac - oh yes, a dream I dream. I imagine trips to fun places, family visits across the world, a huge home, possibly a swimming pool, and the biggest imagination of it all.. that one day I will hire an assistant that needs help her career and boost her life style as well.

The Back Porch

I really love the Back Porch questions. Sometimes so simple, can really get you to open up.

I'm heading off to bed before I make any more dumb statements.

kitchen

Hey! Guess what!? I have a kitchen! When I realized I wasn't going to work for a Director today, I thought that there is no way am I going to get this house cleaned in time for my Open House in 2 weeks and asking the kids to help would not be worth the effort. I tackled our dinning table turned junk / clutter mess and just started getting rid of crap. I figured if the kids hadn't played with or acknowledged it's use in 2 months, it was out the door. B came in and helped fix some of the cupboards and I got a gorgeous dining table under all the mess. We even sat down for a family dinner and when D asked to say grace B about hit the door to sit in the room and watch tv with his dinner. We shall see how long this takes, but I guarantee you - I wasn't cleaning no windows with a q-tip like someone last week wanted me to.

I then tackled Jody's site. I hit a wall with my design efforts and I noticed my navigation bar is turning templated and that's why I offered to do designs so they would stay away from the crappy design templated company that is out there doing websites for these Directors. I think I need to look for some inspiration over at the Miz's graphic section and just think pink while I'm over there. Go on the 'edge'.

Then Ms. C, my real boss of the all the Directors got a hold of me tonight and she wants a website now too I think. Don't have a clue with what that is all about. She's the one that said my stuff sucks and doesn't want my websites. Yep - I'm working for someone who can't stand my work. Going to charge her double. LOL.

Other then that - not much on this Monday. Nervous about money right now. I heard one of our newest consultants quit her job today and submitted for DIQ (Director In Qualification). I'm so proud of her. I wish I could get the customers she's getting that just wants to play with the stuff. I can't even get people to acknowledge my presence let alone what I do. Oh well.

Enough of the downer mood.

Most of the time, I can be pretty positive when I write my gratitude items. Put you can see my t h a n k f u l entries, I had to search for 5 positive things. The last three were hard.
Today, being that I'm feeling actually jobless and not one director has got a hold of me, and I promised B I would not change the work schedule to keep the money flow coming.. I'm feeling a litttle lost. The feelings of getting out of this town not fast enough has hit again and for once I was even willing to look at Florida to move to. I think the Mississippi river isn't even big enough to put a distance between me and this town.
What sucks is that both B and I are scared to move at this point. The unknown at another new town with no job lined up yet just scares us. But then, he's not looking at another town, or even job hunting at this point. He did look into the law enforcement again. He applied a year ago and was turned down, not the "right type" when they did their search last year. He had to wait a year before reapplying. It's been a year. Would love to say it's been a year that we tightened up the belt and this was the start of our downward spiral.. but I really think it dates back 11 years ago when we married that our money problems started. Last year was just another notch in our belt of problems we have endured.

My List

Just so you know.. here's my list:

1) Update Ms. C's site
2) Update Stephanie's site
3) Update SuzAnne's site
4) Start on Ms. Jody's site
5) Work on Mom's Christmas Flyer
6) Birthday Party for J to attend
7) Need to do Project X letter soon
8) Call Directors and see where I work tomorrow

Pretty much Stephanie and SuzAnne's site are finished. I have to work on the message section of Stephanie's, which is Graymatter and I have to figure out password protection with SuzAnne's. So I think I'm doing ok. It's that 2:00 to 5:30 time lull of nothing getting accomplished that's going to bite.

change is good

Another busy day in design land, and as I was telling my mom last night, for the past 3 weekends, I'm off running doing something with the kids that I'm losing at least 4 hours of work. This weekend is the worst. We had GS and now a birthday party today and because it's in Littleton, there's no reason for me to come home and then go back out and get J. I should just stay there and save gas. So I'm now going to have to write off about 4.5 hours and try to make up for in the morning.

But I'm pleased with Stephanie's site. I hope she is too. Got some photos up for her site and redid it and though it looks more plan to me, I'm sure for her it's right what she wants it to be.

Nice thing is - I'm starting to get a template naviagation bar that I can use over and over again.. it's the colors and layout after that, that keeps me busy.